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How to beat the blame game in divorce

There's usually a lot of blame thrown around during a divorce - both on yourself and your partner.

You can't change the facts of what happened. However, you can look at them in another light to make things a little easier on yourself.

Identify the roots

Think back on the real root of some of the issues you experienced during your marriage. Did the two of you have trouble compromising? Did your partner hide money problems? Was infidelity involved? Whatever the issues, think back to why you or your partner might have made those choices.

Maybe the two of you were raised to communicate differently. Maybe a major life event that happened decades earlier has influenced your coping mechanisms. In any case, it's probable that many far-back influences contributed to your divorce and these factors might not be either of your faults.

No one is completely blameless in divorce, but all of the blame probably doesn't fall on just one or two people.

Spot all the flaws

Part of what causes the blame game might be an inability to spot flaws in the marriage. Some spouses blame themselves for the marriage's demise and see their partner as having been perfect. Others may believe they were the best spouse and the partner is at fault for letting the marriage go.

Over time, it can become easier to see the flaws in both you and your partner. Neither party is completely blameless, but neither of you is perfect.

Having flaws is okay. We all have flaws. But some couples may be better able to work with certain flaws than others. In the end, a divorce boils down to a match that wasn't working anymore.

Find positive outcomes

One of the most helpful ways to stop blaming yourself, your partner or anyone else for your divorce is to start being thankful for it. That sounds a little ludicrous but going through the divorce process is a lot worse than actually being divorced.

Reflect on the negative things that brought you and your spouse to the decision to divorce. Remember forgotten dreams and ignored ideas you couldn't pursue before.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that ripping off the band-aid isn't as bad as the actual injury. While you heal, think about how the divorce is going to make you better from before.

Get help sorting it all out

In retrospect, it's likely that neither of you is completely and totally at fault.

Gaining the help of an attorney may help you see which choices are most fair to both of you as you work through dividing your assets and/or making a custody agreement.

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