It matters when parents tell their children they are getting a divorce. Even though there is no one-size-fits-all perfect time, you do not want to break the news too soon or too late. It is also important to communicate with the other parent to ensure that you are providing similar messaging and reassuring the children about your love for them. Whenever possible, discuss your life changes with your children together, with a plan for how to answer questions and an agreement about how much information you will share.
Here are two additional things to consider:
Certainty
You and your soon-to-be ex-spouse should be sure you are going through the divorce before talking to your child. After agreeing the marriage is not working, take some time to consider all options – you can go to couples counseling during this time. Once you are certain you will be going ahead with the divorce, you can involve your child.
You don’t want to tell your child you are getting divorced and then afterward realize the marriage is reconcilable. They may be confused, and you may have caused them emotional distress that could have been avoided. They can also lose trust in your words.
Before one of you moves out
If possible, you should inform your child about your divorce before one of you moves out. Your child can be confused when they notice one of their parents no longer lives in the family home or has moved to a separate bedroom, yet they don’t know what’s happening. It’s recommended for parents to talk to their children about divorce two to three weeks before this physical separation.
This can give your child time to prepare for a life that involves living in two different households, and gives them time to come back to you both with questions before one of you moves out. When possible, have at least a preliminary (or temporary) arrangement in place for when each of you will see the child, so that this can be shared to reassure your child that both parents will remain actively involved in their lives.
It’s not uncommon for parents to not know when to tell their children they are about to go their separate ways. The above-discussed factors can help you determine the most appropriate time to have a divorce conversation with your child.
